I hate horses. Every single one of them. That horse that you rode one time at summer camp? That horse is a monster. The horses that pulled you in a wagon a couple Christmases ago? Those horses were likely making fun of you the entire time. If you’re a horse person, you can probably just close this article and go braid your horse’s hair or whatever it is you people do.
Why do I hate horses? The reasons abound. I think the better question is: “Why don’t you hate horses?” Let’s talk about it.
Horses Are Mean and Scary
Horses bite, they kick, and they even kill people. Some horses bite when they’re in pain, but many just enjoy inflicting pain on others (including you). They can kick randomly, and a single kick can be enough to cause brain damage and snuff you out. Why do they do this? Generally speaking, it’s because they’ve made a pact with Satan.
Horses, despite what Big Horse will tell you, are not strict herbivores. Tibetan horses were fed meat for survival in harsh environments, as well as part of ritualistic practices. Horses have been filmed eating dozens of different kinds of meat, but most notably chickens. It’s suspected that mares will sometimes do this as a result of iron deficiency during or after pregnancy.
In the mid-19th century, King George IV gifted a stallion to the Maharaja of Oudh. The stallion snapped, killing several humans and mauling their faces, before the Maharaja forced the horse to fight in a series of matches against tigers and water buffalo. The monster survived, but the same can’t be said for its victims.
Approximately 100 people are killed by horses in the US each year. That’s roughly the same amount of people that have died from snakebites in the US in the last 37 years combined. Thus, horses are more dangerous than snakes. Case closed, no further context needed.
Horses Ruin Everything Around Them
I’m allergic to horses; very, very allergic. Approximately 1.4-2% of Americans are allergic to horses. That may not sound like a lot, but that’s nearly 1 in 50 people. My hobbies don’t put one out of fifty people at risk. What’s more, horses take up tons of space, and they have huge environmental impacts. An average dressage or jumping horse (great, they can jump now too) produces several metric tons of CO2 per year, and as much as 70 metric tons per year if being transported often. That’s far more than the average car.
Speaking of cars, you know what my car doesn’t do? It doesn’t defecate. For centuries, many cities had piles of horse manure the size of houses lining the streets. Since the advent of the automobile, our cities have become cleaner, safer, and more livable, largely due to the decline of horses.
Let’s mince no words: horses are an invasive species. Since they were brought over by European colonizers, they have displaced native species, shat upon our streets, and destroyed our environment with all their farting and neighing.
There Are Better Options
Horses were such a scourge that humanity solved this problem over a century ago with the automobile. We have trains, bikes, planes, cars, and just about anything else, all of which solve the horse problem. A car doesn’t bite, kick, or defecate. It’s cleaner, quieter, and more predictable. You don’t have to feed it, it has air conditioning, and no one is allergic to it. It also, notably, does not eat chickens.
The evidence is clear: horses are mean, untrustworthy, and they don’t particularly care about climate change. Despite all of this, some people look at a perfectly safe, functional car, and they think to themselves “No – I’d rather sit on a large, stinky, unpredictable animal.” These people are living in the past. We have already moved past horses.
The question is no longer why I hate horses. The question is why you don’t.